But in my case, I figure this. At this point, I may need all the prayers I can, so yes I'm telling you and you and him and her and them. Because I feel that a combination of everyone's prayers is mightier than mine alone. I won't be alone in this in the future so why start off like that now.
If in the worst case at my appointment next week there is no heartbeat, then that is God's will and I'll go from there. I will be sad and disappointed but I will look at it as, it's been a lot of years I mean A LOT of years since I was last pregnant so....God is letting me know, it's still a possibility....in the future.
If in the best case at my appointment there is a heartbeat, I'll still need those prayers for a healthy baby.
I thought for a long time I was infertile or what not because it's been so long. I was using contraceptives but guess what? They are not 100% safe as I am being made aware of. My prayers were always hoping that one day I'd be pregant. I never planned on now. I had other plans to attend too, but we can't control what's laid out for us. I had to unswitch my medical coverage, I wanted to lose a lot more weight before I could even think about wanting this to happen and more but I'm happy no matter what.
I feel blessed and this is a miracle. This will be my mantra. Happy No Matter What. That is all that I can be. I cannot start this off negatively, I wouldn't want my child to ask me one day, "Hey mom, what did you think when you found out?" "Oh, kid, you were unplanned and the thought of you stretching out my cooter made me miserable and I wasn't happy at all....or excited."
I'm the evolution of an unplanned pregnancy. I know what it's like in some instances that I won't share here. I was the mud in the tire that got stuck but in the end, I turned out fine. Why? Because I came into the world with so much love that I never missed out on anything else. This world is ugly enough and negative enough that I can't do that or let myself believe that. Even if my hormones or life tosses water soaked sponges at my face, I will do my best to smile, breathe and keep moving. Even if my facial muscles hurt, if I'm out of breath and I feel like I'm walking with cement buckets on my shoes.
Now I'm not going to throw a pity party. Because right now I see the road as such:
What may right now seem as a long and lonely road, there is light. How that light beams upon me is in God's hands and I will be okay with whichever path it leads me too next.
I like to view this as: after I've hit that beam of light, this is what it will look like next:
